Hey, everybody! My name’s Jessica. I’m 19 now and I already have a son, but he doesn’t call me “mommy.” Actually, he calls my mom that, and I haven’t seen him for several months already because SHE is the one who is against my visits. I got pregnant when I was 17. Of course, neither I nor my boyfriend Jacob were happy when we heard this news. Since I was underage, I had no other option but to tell my mom about everything. Even though she freaked out and yelled at me at first, she still took me to the doctor for a consultation. Of course, I was scared and worried, especially since I’d read a bunch of stuff about the procedure on the internet and it definitely wasn't light fiction. But it was good to have my mom nearby, even though I knew she was mad at me.
But then my doctor came in and said that due to some physical issues of mine, this pregnancy could be the only one for me and that getting an abortion could bring even more complications for my health. My mom immediately rushed to the doctor and began asking her about something, but I didn’t hear anything and was just sitting on the couch and feeling the tears that were running down my face.
Jacob’s reaction to that news was… Well, my mom predicted it with 100 percent accuracy. He simply began saying that he was very busy whenever I called him on his cell phone and then eventually he said that he had to leave town because of his job and disappeared from my life. You can be sure that I was inconsolable in my sobbing, and mom never tried to make it easier for me, she just kept saying that I deserved it for my recklessness.
Jacob re-appeared in my life the same day that Cody was born. He brought flowers and a huge pack of diapers and said that he was sorry that it took him months to understand that the time for him to grow up had come. I dunno, I felt so calm and safe near him and I got that image in my head that everything was gonna be great for all of us. But with all those new responsibilities with the baby, the sleepless nights, and everything, I became really exhausted, and that made Jacob act irritated constantly. Long story short, one day he just packed his belongings and left.
I found a job at a local mall and a nice daycare for my son so that both my mom and I could work and provide a living for the three of us. But there were other guys working with me who were the same age and who led their lives completely different from mine. They would hang out together, and always tell me about their weekends by the beach and so on. And very soon I began envying them and got this feeling that I was missing something in my life.
I got back home from work and all I did was change diapers, play with Cody, and read to him, and it was not because I wanted to, but because I had to. And whenever I was on the phone with my friends or trying to relax in the bath, he began crying and demanding all my attention, and that just pissed me off.
It really seemed like he did everything on purpose, you know, just to make me mad. For example, sometimes I went out with my friends at night and my mom was OK with looking after Cody, but she wanted me to put him to sleep first. It’s just, for some reason, he could only fall asleep when I was next to him. And really often I had to lull him for a whole 2 hours, which made me really nervous, and when he finally fell asleep, I had no strength to go anywhere anymore. While on a regular evening, when I had no plans, he would fall asleep in, like, 10 minutes. I hated that.
So, I began staying late at work and telling my mom that I had additional shifts so that she would pick Cody up from daycare herself. Of course, I had fights with my mom because of that. You see, she was dating a nice man named Leo and, apparently, she wanted to spend some time with him alone instead of babysitting her grandson. But I wasn’t ready to sacrifice my time for her.
One day my mom just came and told me that Leo had gotten a cool job in another city and he wanted her to go with him and she said yes and they were going to leave in a week. That news blew my mind. When I heard that, I just dropped to the floor and began to sob. I never cried so hard in my life. I even had to use a paper bag just to breathe properly. I just imagined that I had to stay with Cody on my own, for the rest of my life, just two of us, and that absolutely destroyed me.
Since then, a hatred toward Cody was growing inside me. I didn’t want to hold him in my hands, or baby-talk with him, or anything.
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